I remember when I was 14 and all I could think about was how excited I was to be 23. I thought it was the perfect age. A little above the legal drinking age across the globe, still super hot, no wrinkles or grey hairs, a little below being halfway over the big old lady hill… I wish I could tell my 14 year old self just how much of a big fat bullshit lie that was. Ha! Funny how there aren’t any children’s books titled: “Adulthood is shit, stay young as long as you can.” (Copywriting this shit, don’t bother).
Nobody prepares you for the audacity that is adulthood. You think that you have everything sorted out when you’re a teenager, you think that it’ll be easy to live once you actually have time to work after you’re done wasting your days away in high school. Parents tell you that money doesn’t grow on trees (BOY, was I devastated to learn that wasn’t true), that you have to do your chores and eat your vegetables, and that photos posted to the internet WILL be embarrassing one day, but no-one ever takes the time to genuinely explain why. I mean, I can understand why.. it’s fucking terrifying.
Age 14, first Facebook profile photo
Being an adult more or less means that you are the sole proprietor to your responsibilities, and my 14-year-old jones’ soda chuggin’ self did not think that my parents would ever quit parenting me. Turns out that when you’re an adult, you still get looked at negatively if you pour baileys in your coffee before 5pm, you get in more trouble if you commit a light-hearted crime like backing into someone’s car by accident, and you actually get more fat if you overeat the wrong carb for dinner. NEWSFLASH: No more mommy and daddy to bail you out of life, you ARE the mommy or daddy (or adult, in hopes that you were not 16 and pregnant).
It turns out, adulthood is relentless. It fears nobody. It is one hard-ass, jealous motherfucker. If you are happy, it will find a way to bring you down and low and behold, it can always find your weakness. The sad truth to adulthood is simple; you get fat, more broke than ever, and maybe learn a few skills like washing dishes by hand or cleaning a toilet. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone that knows how to do the other things you can’t do to cohabitate with, but you’ll still have to call your mom every time you want to cook chicken because you never remember what temperature to cook it on.
Neesh Media 