As the break-up season draws near, I am looking back at my previous 2(ish?) years of lack-there-of relationships and have begun to question a few things. First, why have I remained single this last while? Second, what happened to all of the men I’m intrigued by? And most importantly, why the hell do I even care?
I have spent the last few years making more dating mistakes than ever thought imaginable. Rewind about 5 years ago and you’ll meet the slightly chubbier Neesh that everyone knew as the chill car girl who worked at a tanning salon and had a strong dependancy for men. She was independent, but still incapable of going through life without knowing there was someone by her side. After falling for what she believed was the love of her life, she was left stranded, alone and miserable like the needy, whiney ass white girl she so strongly deserved to be. So, as any girl does when her heart is broken, she resorted to partying and sleeping with all of the wrong men. A year goes by, and she falls deeper into the shithole than ever thought possible.. Struck by painful PTSD, and hopeless, she finally becomes enough of a “damsel in distress” for the man she was supposed to spend her life with. So they date, a year goes by, and suddenly, she hits the way too soon mid-life crisis that any person in their early twenties would hit after jumping into a relationship way, way, WAY too fast would do, and runs the fuck away, tearing everyone and anything down that she can along the way. She broke the man’s heart. And she once again, felt like the biggest piece of shit in the entire world.
Two years go by..
and here I am.
Alone.
Two cats.
A list of “oopses” I wish I could take back.
And a longer list of “standards”
And a strong chance of ending up back at her mom’s house.
It’s fun to think back at the previous two years and realize just how much I’ve grown in my time alone. I knew that I needed to be single for awhile to really figure out exactly what I wanted out of a relationship, and it’s disheartening to realize that what I want is relatively unattainable and I will probably die alone. In a perfect world, I would have a relationship with someone that did not need to depend on me, but still could. Someone that has an undeniable trust for me, and I have for them. Someone that has their own life, their own goals, and sometimes shares them with me, and I can do the same. A person who I don’t need to talk to everyday, but doesn’t get upset if I send them a spam of messages over the course of two days without their response. Someone that is honest as hell and knows that I’d rather hear whats actually on their mind over some bullshit to spare my overly-emotional female brain.
Let’s be real, this does not exist.
So I’ve begun to face reality.
The dating world today is not something that I have ever in my life wished to be apart of. This world of “fast-paced” dating apps, and online relationships, this type of fake love you see all over social media. The ability to stalk your significant other and find out who’s photo they liked to be able to find a problem to argue over. The lack of real dates, the era of “Netflix and Chill”. None of this is something that appeals to me.
As this time has gone by, I have realized exactly why it is that I am so happy as I am; why I am not in any rush to jump into the next relationship this time around. I simply don’t have the patience or care to deal with the drama that surrounds modern day millennials in the dating world. I have an old soul, and this granny is telling every guy that starts with a GIF on tinder to go fuck himself because I have zero belief that any guy I meet is someone worth giving my time too. It is simply too valuable.
Don’t get me wrong here, some men are amazing. I had an amazing boyfriend in my previous relationship. He was perfect on paper, and even mostly in real life. Good men do exist, they just hide it because it’s no longer cool. But do I have the time or due care to make an effort to sniffle through the haystack in search of a needle? No. Because if there is anything that I have learnt in my relationship hiatus, it’s that I ran away from something so good for the reason that I wasn’t ready, and now that I am? It’s evident that society today simply isn’t what I need it to be. To be able to maintain my newfound, genuine independence, I want to be able to meet somebody that understands exactly what that means to me. Unfortunately, this new version of dating is much of the opposite, and quite frankly, I am in a better place alone with my two cats (Hell, at this rate, I may as well get two more).
In conclusion, I will forever be a lonely cat lady that has turned into a “man-izing” asshole unless I potentially have some insane epiphany that not all people suck, and maybe give somebody a chance to show me that I am simply just crazy. But until then, I won’t hate who I’ve become or what my Friday nights look like, because I am not willing to waste my time. I willcontinue my streak of bad dating choices until I find just the right relationship choice, and I’m going to be fucking happy as a clam as I do it.
Neesh Media 