I have had a lot of time to think this month.
Well… Not really a lot of time with my hectic never-stopping life. But things have been on my mind, and with my commute to work from my new home on the other side of the planet, I have had some opportunity to let those thoughts blossom into a pounding angst of shaking anxiety.
I was so excited to live alone again.
Let me start by saying how awesome my previous roommate was. He was great. But let’s face it, no woman in the right mind would be stupid enough to galavant throughout her home in her underwear singing in god-awful tones and dancing her white-girl shitty dance moves with a male roommate without basically ruining the man’s life and scarring his brain from any future female interaction. So I toned it down, but now that Im alone, I can sing Frankie Valli in my Tom Cruise Risky Business business as often as I want.
But then I remembered what it was like to be alone. You take it for granted really, but then when you have it, you realize having someone around gets taken for granted as well. And let’s face it, most people would choose to lurch onto the next eligible (or semi-eligible) bachelor that they stumbled across at the pub. But not me. First, because I am a strong, independent black woman, and I don;t need no man. But mostly, I’m busy and don’t have time to go to a pub to stumble across even a sort of semi eligible man. What I’m trying to say is; being alone is kind of lame.
But it’s also so so good.
I have also come to think a lot about my friendships. What they mean to me, how they change now that I live farther away, and how they don’t. People are pretty fucking cool if you find the right ones, and I’m pretty certain that I have. I’d never realized how good of a support system I’d had until I was left stranded alone and a handful of people leaped at my rescue. I’m not kidding, they literally leaped to the concrete ground and screwed up their knees in attempt to save me from my self-created misery. And now that I live in Narnia? Well, they’re still there. They’re still leaping. It just takes a little bit longer for them to show up, and that’s pretty rad.
One of the last larger things I have been thinking about in my new-found time of brain usage that I have, is that I spend a whole lot of time driving and not a whole lot of time living my life. I can survive, I can push through, so much so that I can ruin my health, or I can learn to enjoy my life (probably my shittiest skill) and figure out what I genuinely want to do. The problem with this? One gets me farther, but sets my ultimate happiness back a few paces. The latter will set me into freedom but who really knows if it’ll land me where I actually want to be? The world is a scary fucking place. But its also thrilling. I can confidently say that I’m excited as hell either way.
So what the hell does any of this mean?
Why am I realizing some of these things if they have no definite change of life or reason to be different? I think if I were to summarize it all, it’d mean that I’m realizing how many steps I’ve taken to get to where I am, I’m realizing that I am grateful for all of the shit that I’ve had to deal with these last couple of years, and I’m realizing that I deserve whatever the hell I let myself have because really, who’s going to tell me that I’m wrong?
I am indifferent.
I am happy.
I am confident.
I am surrounded.
I am thankful.
I am okay.
I am going to be okay.
And I am going to do well.
…One day. And I can’t fucking wait.
Neesh Media 