My entire life, I thought I’d be settled down in my twenties. Growing up, my mother had kids at nineteen, many of my friends parent’s had them around twenty. People were married by 23. It was so normal. To be honest, it’s normal even today.
You would think that being in my mid-twenties I would have already found a place in my heart to give selflessly to someone new. I would be married happily to the love of my life with at least my first child on the way. You would think I would be ready, at least when I was 16, I thought I would be by now. What a laugh that is.
Fast forward to today, and here I am. Coming home to my 1 bedroom, expensive, shitty apartment that I can barely afford, happy as I can ever be knowing that I come home alone with no sight of a boyfriend that wants to tell me about the asshole at his work after a long day of my own ventures. What would my mother say to me today. Though, I’m sure she’d be thrilled to have someone else take on the burden of being my financial support; funnily enough, she’s overly supportive of my lack of relationship.
This last month I have been thinking a lot and have come to a lot of realizations. First, I am far too happy on my own. It’s not a bad thing. However, it’s becoming a burden on my end-goal of finding someone to love. I have become so quick to step back from somebody that I’m remotely interested in out of fear of having to give up my semi-recent success of being confident on my own. Second, I have started to think a lot about what I even want out of a relationship. The amount of reliance necessary for a relationship exhausts me. How in the hell is a person supposed to take care of themselves and somebody else? Let alone mini versions of us that shit and cry all hours of the day. My cats are the extent of caring for another being that I can handle. (Crazy cat lady, who would’ve guessed). Last, I don’t understand just how much a person can love someone so much that they wish to stay stagnant in their current view of what we call love. Call me crazy, but as much as I love, I want to love myself more.
And ultamitely, that will be what ruins me, or that will be the drive for my success. Whichever it will be, I will learn to love deeply (one day) and I will earn all success that is driven my way.
Because this is something that I know is real.
Y’all may just have to wait awhile.
Neesh Media 