I used to think the hardest part about leaving was the unknown.
The idea that you don’t know what you have going forward..
That you will have to meet new people..
And that you’ll have to find new things..
New places, new routes, new favourite breakfast spots…
What I have never realized before, or maybe have never felt before thanks to this cold, dead heart that sits still in my chest; is that leaving means saying goodbye to a lot of things as well.
Goodbye never truly means goodbye forever.
Even my stubborn mind can wrap my head around that idea.
But after these last few months of my recent new ventures, my new hellos, my new cafes and running spots; for the first time in my “adult” (WTF is that again?) life, I have finally developed a sense of desire to stay put- Shocking I know.
So why the hell am I leaving? It’s funny, stupid and outwardly ridiculous to say that I’m leaving so much behind in this beautiful province only so that one day I maybe, possible, hopefully won’t fuck up everything so that I may be able to find myself in a position where I can afford to stay. Living here is not only expensive, but it’s draining.
So off I go, to the Narnia of winter where the snow doesn’t melt until midway through summer, only in the hope that it might trigger my cold heart to adapt and potentially dethaw after it’s in a more suitable environment. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t. But who the fuck do I think I am if I don’t try?
I know I said that I have a desire to stay. But let’s be frank; I have a desire to stay because for the first time in a long time, I have found myself in a position where I can kind of see my potential future and I don’t hate it. But that future doesn’t come without a lot of unknown, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of pushing myself passed my already-on-my-knees-begging-for-a-fucking-break last nerve before I crash sanity, only for a maybe.
And we all know that I don’t accept any form of maybe.
No, I want the now. That’s all I ever want.
Instant gratification. Instant success. Instant collect.
And this is yet another chance to make that happen.. But for the first time, it’s the idea of a more instant success for long-term benefits, possible home-ownership and a genuinely happy life where I am not working 10+ shifts a week. A world where I may actually have a FULL day off! Can you imagine?? Because I can’t. Not yet anyways.
SO here I am, kind of heartbroken, very beaten down and ready to take the next step towards my idea of what being an adult is. It sucks, I hate it, but I don’t give a damn how I feel because scary is good. Fear is worthwhile. And this new idea of being afraid of leaving that I have, is probably a sign that I’m making the right move.
I have no fucking clue, but I’m ready.
Neesh Media 