I spent the winter in Calgary freezing my sorry little ass off and whining away at the down-turn of events that continuously happened to me. If you know me, you know that the series of struggles that occur in my day-to-day are a fucking joke. (Quite literally, we all laugh about it) But if there’s anything that even I can figure out about myself, it’s that I’m resilient regardless of what BS the Higher Power you choose to believe in wants to throw at me.
NEWSFLASH: EVERYONE HAS A SHITTY TURN OF EVENTS MULTIPLE TIMES IN A LIFE
To be honest, I think that’s why I seem to always figure it out. Sure, at times I drink away in my sorrows with the hope that the 9th gin soda might actually be able to slow my heart rate (it never, ever, does). I might hide in my house now that I don’t fear going home and avoid all things adult for days on end. I most certainly use excuse after excuse and act like the world is over.
BUT eventually, I come back to the real world and accept that I am simply an anxiety ridden adult with a minor drinking habit, that has so few reasons to cry when I open my eyes and look at the bigger picture. Which in turn puts me back on my hungover, weak-ass feet to push through another day. Tears or no tears (but probably tears, and definitely a few drinks afterward). Allow me to explain through example…
When my only best-friend in the city moved back home last month (Yes Im still pissed at you, you cunt), I felt like I had nobody. I couldn’t fathom how to proceed though my weeks without having someone near to cry about my secrets with. Never would I trust more than my few inner circle besties. After all, these new people, as great and incredible friends as they are, don’t understand the full depths of my life and I, being the emotionally unstable human that I am, know that it would take an eternity for me to admit all of the truths about why I am this way.
In this short time, that Higher Power fucker decided that it’d be a good time to screw with me. (Yes, I create my own path yada-yada, but let’s just take the blame away from me for dramatic purposes) I fell to pieces. I was so lost and alone that I actually read my bloody horoscope daily in search of some form of human epiphany that might direct my path to get out. I felt alone. As I was crawling on my hands and knees blindly clawing my way out of the trenches, a few kind hands reached down. And when you’re in the dark, you don’t care who’s fucking hand is pulling you out, you just want out. So I reached and I trusted.
Fast-forward a few sunny days and late-nights out, a few too many tequilas, and many, too many tears. We look at the new Neesh that has slowly begun to find her way through forced social interactions (thank goodness for needy friends), a lot of talks, and a lot of laughs. I spent time getting closer to my new saviours, and guess what? It kinda, well, actually reallyhelped. Shit, it will take years for me to allow anyone to know it all, but we’re making progress okay?
Not only do I now see the development of some incredible friendships thanks to my finally succumbing to the humiliating vulnerability that I loath so much, but I also see myself changing in ways that I swore I’d never do. I am growing a fucking heart. Send help.
Short story long;
If you allow yourself to become vulnerable and push yourself to develop relationships, if you are open and giving, if you ask for help and are willing to take it; people will respond. And guess what that means?
EVERYTHING WILL FUCKING BE OKAY.
(I still want my friends to move here though)
Neesh Media 