I didn’t think that I would be in the position of giving many shits.
I didn’t feel it could be possible in my drunken stuper. I spent so much time over indulging in booze in attempt to haze the feelings that I had, in attempt to lower my needs, to ignore my desires.
Real talk, for the first time in potentially this entire series, I may actually share a portion of my life that includes the impossible thought of Neesh actually developing any form of feelings for humans. So. Get. Ready. Because fuck my fucking life.
You see, it’s funny because in my bullshit since I’ve lived here I’ve established this insatiable ability to ignore any person that’s given a shit, nonetheless the ones that don’t, which essentially I thought would make this easier. So much so that I have perfected the ability to pretend that I am a feelingless individual with virtually no humanity.
Which is interesting because if you ask who I was in BC, people would say that I was undeniably the most caring human they’ve met. The one that would sacrifice their entirety of life to make sure somebody else was OK. Somebody that hurt for weeks on end if she even had the mere fear of doing someone wrong. Move forward to today and here we are. She cares less yes, but only out of necessity. At no point did her heart shrink, little to every bullshit front she put up, nonetheless, she cares.
Fuck me right?
So here we are, Neesh having this strain of feeling she can’t escape. It’s funny because it exists and I never thought it would. And my biggest fear? Being seen as the weak asshole that let her heart show.
I’d like to finish this bullshit off with a positive note.
I’d like to explain how good it feels to finally, truly and genuinely feel again for the first time, without fear in years. (Thats a lie, I am terrified of this shit). Just how much feeling like a miserable shit can still feel so enlightening and so warming regardless of how awful or well a situation is going with a person.
I’d rather be a lover, encompassed in this trash ass feeling like I will never be good enough, than a fighter holding back from admitting just how much a person can make me feel. I can’t explain just how good it feels to finally open up and admit my feelings, how good it is to be at peace with my heart, regardless of how much I get turned away, because the exact same feeling I once had hasn’t yet resonated with the ones that I so desperately hope figure it out themselves.
And to be honest, I’m not worried either way.
They’ll figure it out or they’ll move on,
But either way, I am happy that I’ve spoken.
Regardless of how awful it feels to be honest.
Because honesty feels good.
SO short story long?
Fuck this. I’m not going to lower my inhibitions to being the quiet and patient asshole that I have once been. I am done hiding my feelings and waiting it out until I no longer have an option. I’m going to be present until the option no longer resides.
Wish me luck because society today is fucked.
But I’ll live either way.
Drop Mic
Neesh Media 