This last year, I moved to the next province over from home.
It is a mere 10 hour drive from home. Hardly anything. Can be done in a day. Could be a quick visit for anyone that needs it.
Honestly? I’ve yet to have done such a thing. Perhaps blame it on my overtly stubborn personality where I refuse to ask my mom to meet me halfway on a day that I so desperately wish I could just hug her. But honestly, I’m sure it’s more about the deeply embedded belief that I belong farther.
How do I believe such a thing could be possible? How on earth could I be so heartless, so soleless, that I am actually happy to be so far away from any and every single person that I have ever loved?
Let me share this piece of knowledge that I have ever-so fortunately acquired in my previous 12 months in this city…
Life is actually really incredible if you are left with no excuses but your own sole proprietor actions that are controlling your decisions.
Allow me to explain.
In the last twelve months I have…
- Drank myself to missery
- Drank myself to happiness
- Worked out everyday and felt amazing
- Slept all day and felt amazing
- Stayed in, read, studied, watched movies
- Went out all night, socialized, made friends, analyzed
I have done both optic ends of the spectrum of personality. I have been both the extrovert and the introvert, I have loved meeting new people and I have enjoyed being alone. Why? Im going to say this and it might sound like I’m abso-fucking-lutely insane, but.. I would have to say it is because of the very first time in my life, I have absolutely zero outside influence in my decisions for me. This is the first time that I have been exactly who I am and I have been able to look at it and discover just what it is that I need to work on without being so distracted.
This year has taught me so much about myself. I have not only been able to learn just how to properly sort out what type of person I want to spend my days with, but have also been able to establish the person that I want to be around those people.
This year has allowed me to be alone. To be sad with nobody to rely on. To decide just who I actually want to give my time to. To live freely. To live without a schedule if I so choose. To hold myself accountable when I don’t act fairly. To blame myself. To accept my own apology.
Yes, I absolutely love and cherish my friends and family. I miss home. Home will always and forever be where my heart lays. Never have I said that this world hasn’t been hell without my sisters, my brother, my mother, my dad, my nephew. This year has been lonely, it has been harder than ever anticipated. It has been the anomaly of fucking endless tears and desperation to being held.
… But with all of that, I have found development of individuality without remorse. Personality and opinions without apology. And most of all, I have found my ever-growing desire to grow and continuously develop into the person that I have forgotten about for so long while back home solely working to survive.
I can not wait for the next year. I can not wait to find out just who I am after this.
Neesh Media 