Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize that the things that hurt you the most just might be your own fault? Those “haha” moments when you look at your past, your present and your future and a big heavy pit falls deep into the bottom of your stomach?
I have.
I’ve come to the realization that I am a “fixer”. No, not the addict type. Well, maybe to be sure as hell honest, at times it feels like an addiction. But what I mean is that I refuse to give up on a person, no matter how bad they may be for my mental health. When I meet somebody, and I mean choose somebody that I genuinely believe is someone that I want to put my walls down for; I seem to choose the ones that are battered, the ones that against all odds, have survived through some of their darkest days already, and I am always the one that wants to help regardless of what they want. I take on this immense amount of fucking pressure to “fix” whatever it is that hurt them. I want so desperately to be the girl that beats their odds, that helps them understand what genuine love is that I put them above any single human, including myself. So much to the point that I break more than I think they ever could.
So here I am, lifting up this person with every weakened and breaking muscle that I have in my tiny female body, feet quivering beneath the gravel. And to noones surprise (especially my best friend who puts up with my broken ass every single time), I fall.
And I ask myself why I am always so fucking tired. HA.
I started to ask myself why it is that I put myself through these things. Why is it that I choose the most unavailable person to love? Amongst the people that I have spent time with, I’ve historically ran away from the ones that love in return, and chased the others that aren’t in a position to love back.
In past experiences, I would say that my stats are good. Now bare with my seemingly stalker and over-confident bullshit for a second here, I’m trying to make the point as to why I don’t think I’ve broken this insanity cycle years ago when I first began noticing that I have this habit. It always works out eventually. Prince charming comes to the realization once I finally give up like; “Oh fuck, what have I done? This girl has done everything to allow me to love and I just fuck off because I’m afraid, what have I done, what have I done”. Queue, grand entrance or dramatic apology, etc etc. And here we have it folks, the little train that could finally got over the hill and was going full force with little to no breaks. She crashes alllllll the way to the bottom right into his arms.
Fast forward through the honeymoon stage, and suddenly, this all-mighty, super strong girl finds herself unhappy again. Why? WELL, this is where we are still learning. Turns out that when I finally get to the point where my relationship is perfect, I realize that I am actually very much not ok. In the entire chase of helping this guy through his own shit, I taught him that I was so capable, so strong and so together that he didn’t learn a single thing about the other side of me. The dark side that requires immense love and support, the one that has really bad weeks sometimes and doesn’t quite know how to share it, the one that’s not very good at talking out her own emotions because of societal expectations of her.
What I failed to do was teach not only this person, but myself, what it is that I needed from this relationship in reciprocation to also feel fulfilled. In turn, causing myself to never become vulnerable and always being overtly independent so that I can still run away as soon as I need to. In turn, completing the cycle and falling and breaking all over again.
Today, this is different. This time I have managed to instead, fully drop independence and become needy, but also lack vulnerability. (What a twist, I know). SO now this poor human gets to deal with this new broken, over anxious and confused individual that’s over-sensitive with insanely high emotions all while I lack the ability to communicate properly or even do something as simple as cuddle up to him on the couch without potentially throwing up from my fear of rejection.
To sum it all up, I am broken. In my attempt of figuring out how to break my cycle, I still chose to most unavailable person, but I tried to give in, which in turn crashed and burned into flames because I still have a lot of shit to figure out and to be honest, I and every individual I come into contact with just might be better off if I stick to my cats and wine.
But at least I’m self aware amirite!?
Neesh Media 