Have you ever gone through a stage in life where you don’t really know why, but for some reason you’re just so stuck in a rut? You tell yourself that you’re trying, you tell everyone that you’re fine. You put on a big smile and throw yourself into a list of to-dos to try to maintain some level of stability, but the moment that you stop, you completely break down.
It’s a fucking miserable feeling. It’s confusing. You tell yourself that you’re trying… but are you?
So I began trying to piece everything together. I began reflecting on what the fuck I am doing to feel this way (or rather what am I not doing).
What is it that I do that causes negative feelings? What about positive ones?
Who is in my life that makes me feel good? Who makes me feel bad?
What did I do the most when I felt genuinely happy?
What is it that is causing me to feel like I am not good enough?
What am I grateful for? What am I good enough for?
The answers all boil down to one rather simple word.
Me.
My mental state, my health, my focus, myself.
I am my own god forsaken happiness in so many ways.
I don’t need to find something or someone to uplift my life.
I don’t need to be told that I am doing okay, because honestly, it’s a feeling that no soul can give you other than yourself.
December is about focus. It is about dedication, drive and the opportunity to manifest my own positivity in the darkest and coldest month of the year. This is a promise to myself to give as many “no fucks” as possible to accomplish the few things that I desire, and to find myself in a positive and powerful position again, one where I can feel completely, fully, and definitively happy.
Wish me luck!
Neesh Media 