Looking back at the life that I once thought was too crazy to survive… I realize that that quote my professor used to chant each and every time I would break down; “This too shall pass” resonated with me far more than I’d realized.
Not many years ago (and surely a few times this past year), I was in a position where I didn’t think that I would survive. Surrounded by so many darknesses, I’d forgotten to look at all of the love that I had at the time. In my haze of misery, I refused to believe that I could bring forward the light and choose happiness unless I ran from the dark.
Fast forward to today and I find myself looking back at it all. Realizing that the happiness I had felt was far more superior than any sadness I had ever known at the time. My life was filled with moments of joy as I ran along floating logs in the lake; with people I love and love me in return as I never had to spend a moment alone if I didn’t want to; my financial prosperity within reach had I chosen to make sacrifices that I did not believe were possible at the time…I had an immense amount of capabilities at my finger tips the same way that I do today.
So what has changed? To be quite honest with you, nothing. Sure I am closer to some and farther from others, but that has always been my case. Did I actually get to run away from my conflicts by moving away from them? To my absolute shock, no. In fact, more of my “runaways” have actually returned in recent weeks and I have now learnt that not even moving to a different city will keep them from me. Unfortunately.. to my demise.. running had never solved a thing. In fact, it led me to more unresolved conflicts.
My mindset is the sole reason that I have found myself in states of joy once again. A tiktok of all things had been the very thing to call me out. “The way you respond is why you’re stressed. It’s not because of the way life is. Change your attitude, let it go.”
I have found that in recent years, I’ve slowly developed the ability to actually speak out about what I need and work towards my happiness. I have learnt that running away only creates more pain further down the road, and when you bottle up your emotion and misery, it resurfaces in a stronger (and sneakier) way once you believe that you are finally free. Communicating my emotions, answering tough questions and better understanding other’s desires for my belonging in their lives. Looking at myself and those that surround me as some form of permanence rather than believing that my temporary stay may not be worthy of our time.
This state of joy that I look back on and recall, this pure bliss of undeniable love for another, the feeling of never wanting to run… It all comes when I look back at my past life. Yet in the moment, I refused to look at it in that way. I refused to look for the light of happiness, I had always walked with my chin to my chest and my shoulders weighted with what’s to come. I looked at my future as this seemingly unattainable dream that mirrored my “perfect life” and yet, I’d forgotten to take a look at the imperfectly beautiful life that I had always had.
For days I’ve longed for another perfect day at the lake, running across floating logs and stuffing my face with oysters around the people that I have loved the most. And now, I look back to these memories, and I see just how many perfect days I have had since.
Neesh Media 