Do you ever meet the person that you think you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with and the moment you realize this, you run?
I do.
I said that I wouldn’t do it again. I promised myself that I’d stop. But here we are. Mid-panic, about to move to a different city with a man that I so strongly believed was someone that I could do life with.
And what did I do? I read our fucking birth chart compatibility. Leave it to a damned horoscope to put me into the realization that we are not meant to be. And no, before you say it, our charts are for lack of better words; “off the charts”. 10 outta 10. Solid relationship mix. But it was what I read that made me realize just what it was about this man that I knew had me resisting.
He loves me so damned much.
One would think that’d be a great thing. Most women BEG for this kind of love. Me? I feel as though I am given too much power with how dedicated he is to “fixing” what isn’t broken. My ability to manipulate this kind of love isn’t fair. I know that. So at what point do you sacrifice someone that you’ve adored loving you, for the sake of his own happiness?
I asked myself this same question, what feels like a decade ago. Hell, I think it’s been 6 years at least. Though, with him, I didn’t feel like I would never lose him. I knew I would. That was the risk. He’d hurt for some time, but I believed he was capable of giving up on how strong of love we’d had once he’d realized I was the inferior partner. This one? I don’t think he will. I don’t think he is capable of letting something go once he has decided on it.
I so badly want to give in, to show him that I can do this. But I know myself, and I know that I have never been one to stay true to one sole human. Sure, I am capable of loyalty, I am capable of love… But that doesn’t come without the unsaid sacrifice that just because I choose you, doesn’t mean you’re the only person that I’m capable of caring for.
I know that would break him eventually. So is it worth it?
Am I the person that should be looking deeper into myself? I question this sometimes. Values that I’ve fully developed in my near 30-year-old mind, deeply embedded into my beliefs. Are they what’s wrong? This is where my mind continually questions traditional morals with modern-day love. It isn’t common being a person that doesn’t quite believe in monogamy the same way that others do. Makes you ask if it is a false sense of reality, a broken and disturbed heart that is seemingly unrepairable… Or if perhaps, the way I feel just hasn’t been publicly shared enough for it to be commonly discussed.
What I do know is that this man is going to hurt. Regardless of how well we communicate, how open I am with my heart, or how frequently I remind him of just how unnatural this “normalcy” is… I not only think that he will continue to try, but he will refuse to understand the reality of just how I can say that I want him in my life, even though I can say “I love you” to someone else.
So who’s the bad guy here? And when does it stop?
Neesh Media 