Writer’s block.
It’s real I tell you. I am currently staring at my laptop keys, wondering how to properly format the words that I’ve been unable to express for months now. All 13 drafts, patiently awaiting for the return of my inspiration.
Meanwhile, the only thing I seem to find solace in writing about is my sheer anxiety thinking of the future that sits before me while panicked about the “route” to get there. (Literally).
As I write this evening, I sit beside my Uhaul packed office, staring at DriveBC as it refreshes every 130 seconds.. Wondering if I will ever see a light of possibility for my weekend move. Officially unemployed, prepared for a drastic shift to be near family & long term friends, taking the time to test wether or not I have genuinely grown into the person I’ve so desperately tried to become since I’d left the province… Over-analyzing my life into self-misery, all while realizing how insignificant my personal concerns are while there are thousands of people in transit, unable to return home, no roof to sleep under in the very place that I am upset about not being able to get to.
I was angry with myself in the moment. But I chose to hold some space for forgiveness. I can be better, yes. I can be grateful, yes. How fucking selfless some of these people are across BC to be opening their homes, feeding absolute strangers and traversing insane grounds to help those that are stuck. I want to idolize these kinds of humans.
So I asked myself what I needed to be that. What was missing? I care plenty. I empathize (too much) and I would drop anything to help those that need it. But why do I feel differently about myself now?
I think sometimes it’s important to remember that you need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Mask on you before helping others, y’know? And I am in dior need of a bit of care. These changes happening in my life are chaotic ones that tend to add stress to anyone’s life. It’s OK to need to let your stress subside before draining your physical and emotional energy on others, no matter how much you want to help.
I’m praying that there are no more injured (or worse) that come from this damaging weather system. I am grateful for the roof over my head. And if this storm ever allows for myself to get my arse back to the valley, I will do all in my power to assist others as soon as I finish putting my mask on.
Neesh Media 