I weighed myself today. I do this every so often. But in this instance, it hadn’t happened for some time. To my (relative) surprise, I’d lost another 5lbs. Bringing my original Kelowna weight down to an outrageous total of 25lbs down.
Great! Right? That’s news that we can all assume is positive. We can’t wait to say “great job!”, “You look incredible!” or “I’m so proud of you!”
Little do we realize that when we congratulate others on looking “great”, dropping weight, seeming more put together… that we don’t quite take into consideration the all-too-powerful question of “how”.
I recall my days of active lifestyle all too well. The taste of desperation to get wet, sticky & smelly for the sake of my health and wellness was eminent in my mind. It had to happen each day, often more, often deteriorating the minute amount of mental health that existed within myself. Waking up at 6am to run a trail before heading into the office, leaving early to get into the gym before working my second place of income, only to dread staying late as it’d mean missing my third solid “workout” in the day.. Punishing myself for it by resorting to dry greens & prawns for dinner rather than allowing any sort of flavour profile.
I recall these days incredibly well because of the feeling I’d had looking through the mirror at my dark skin, platinum hair and perfect size 0 waste with incredible muscle definition; the feeling of resentment, the feeling that I had more to lose. I remanence on the way that I’d dictate my diet based on whether or not my stomach would stretch far enough to touch the mattress when I’d lay sideways to sleep, or the way that I’d workout in the tanning bed because I could see my stomach pinching together as I’d twist to reconcile the tan lines.
I’d look at myself and say, “You can do better” as though it had been good for me to believe that willingness to continually improve meant that I didn’t have an issue with my body.
I’d look at myself and genuinely believe that I was not fit enough. Is that better than being “healthy” and happy??
I recall finding the balance. Realizing that my perception of my own body did not matter. Surely, yes, finding acceptance is. What I mean to say is that if the sole opinion of yourself is relied upon your opinion of others, and you’re actively unable to find the love and acceptance for each individual in the world, then you will do nothing but find their faults within yourself. (Three fingers back at ya baby!) Little did I realize that my perception of who I should look like was the exact opposite of whom I resisted being like.
So I made an amends to myself, and to my opinion of others. I accepted that what should be… will be. In doing so, I learnt to love myself for what it would look like with 3 runs/hikes a week and 2-3 shifts at the gym. I allowed myself have a “break” upon the hottest summer I’ve ever experienced. I gave myself the opportunity to genuinely spend time with friends rather than focus solely on my personal vendetta against my own self-judgement. I broke my boundaries and though it may have felt like I’d given up, I had found myself substantially further ahead in my personal goals and wellness than I had ever experienced through physical development.
But there’s always a fine line to that delicate balance. (Another story for another day)
I look at myself today and I see the body that the old me aspired to have. Except now that I am looking at it after learning to love my body; I am now seeing an unhealthily & underweight individual struggling with her mental health and physical wellness. I see my leg definition as the mere leftovers of my previous hiking activities, I see my thin arms as a severe detriment to my scoliosis, I see my flat stomach as my inability to care for myself through eating a regular diet, I see the hairs on my body as a survival mechanism to maintain warmth while severely undernourished. I see the truth today, more than I’d ever believed before.
Today; I look nothing like the girl I knew before that worked out three times a day. Today I look like the girl that didn’t just give herself freedom to enjoy her life, rather the girl that allowed her life to take away from her freedom. Looking at my body throughout the different stages in life, I can see just what aspect of it is missing. I can see which aspect is too prevalent. But that judgement and knowledge did not come without a pure love for and significant understanding for my body as it is. I know it now. 28 years later.
No individual’s body is the same as anothers’. Although we can be quick to make a judgement, we are merely all working to survive, learning to cope, and working tremendously to betterment (or desperately wishing that we had the mental capacity to do any of it). What’s perfect for you, may not be what’s good for you. And what’s good for you, may not be good for another.
I challenge you to break the regimen and habitual compliment of “you look incredible” and change it to something in the realm of “how is your wellness?”. Ask before assume. Inquire with purpose. Learn to love yourself, understand your body’s needs & fall in love with who you are supposed to be. Annnnnd don’t be that asshole that makes you feel good (or bad) for being small or fit. Sometimes it ain’t all that good for ya heart & soul my friends.
Neesh Media 