A year’s ended. Again. As they do each year. I’m typically in a position into the new year where I am happy to review it, accept my failures, appreciate my successes. But this year feels different. I feel lost.
I’m turning 30 this year, I’ve yet to figure out what it is that I am doing in my life. I’m not sure what trajectory to go in, I’m broke, in suffocating debt, and have never felt more alone than I could have imagined myself to feel.
I thought I was making a large change in my life when I moved back to BC, I felt that I was building my career in hospitality, and that I’d finally found myself ready and willing to be in love – and that actually happened. But it crashed. Quickly into the start of 2023, I found myself in a position of dramatic change. I left my job, I had nowhere to go, and I didn’t know – nor feel capable – what I was going to do next.
I thought that I’d already hit rock bottom when this happened.
I thought I was working toward recovering, finding a new passion, building a new life.
I’m learning more now that what I was actually doing was masking my conflict and falling further into this negative “I can’t” attitude, allowing myself to believe that these things were happening to me rather than I was creating them. I allowed myself to continue to spend out of my means, not preparing for something strenuous to occur, I fell deeper into debt and continued to ignore it as I thought “of course I’d make 6-figures again soon”.
I let myself get into this “It’ll just be okay eventually” state, rather than take the action necessary to GET BETTER.
And now, a week into 2024, and I’m finally realizing that this was all that I allowed into my life. I did fuck all to make it better. I just sat, avoided friends and family, forced myself to isolate alone with my partner, neglected my health and wellness.. I just… waited, hoping to have some dramatic life change happen without any action taken.
Who the hell have I become?
Normally I tend to end each year revision with a sense of impending knowledge, a sense that I have figured out what path I am going to work toward this year, a plan, anything. I’m not there yet. But at least I am developing an awareness to the ways in which I’ve victimized myself to feel that I have this right to neglect action. I’ve grown awareness to myself being the frequent in every scenario. I’ve learned that it is me and myself alone who is solely responsible of this lack of joy and prosperity that I am lacking.
I know that this cannot be how this year goes, and that I need to revert back to the girl that was willing to change anything for the sake of happiness and survival.
Neesh Media 