The Eternal Damnation

A letter to my exes.

No, not the ones I ran away from. This isn’t a saga. But it IS an entry into my younger life many years ago and into my life recently. That’s right, I am revisiting all of the past “why the hell did it not work” relationships. Why? Because we’re lonely in this world and what else does a girl do if she doesn’t scroll through her albums and find some self-loathing sad girl memories of the “good times” with that once-someone-special?

I won’t name them. I won’t ask for answers. But I do want to just let this out, so here we go.

Part One: Do you remember chasing me through my family home? Begging for me to stay with you? Do you recall how we began dating? I certainly do. I would have never trusted you, I surely didn’t back then. Not by the way that we began, by the way you chose to speak to me, isolate me, convince me that I wasn’t worthy. Not by the way you drank, the way you hurt me, the way you felt that you could control me. You my friend, never deserved my love. I am grateful that I learnt that. I’m not sure where you are in this world. I know that you’re married, that you have children. I hope that you are healed. I hope that you do not treat them as you did me, and that you were taught how to love purely without intention. I hope that they are as happy as I dreamt you could make me.

Part Two: You lied to me when we first met. But I also disregarded the information that I was only 16 when we first went home together. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but with us it did. You took over my life in a way that brought excitement and joy, you taught me how to live freely and for myself. You introduced me to a world that I didn’t think my mind could get to. Freedom, health and exploration. I discovered who I truly was when we broke up, but it took me falling to my depths in the darkness before that could happen. At first I thought you only couldn’t stay because you didn’t love me, but it took awhile before I had learnt that you couldn’t stay because you did. You weren’t ready to give me a lifetime of joy, no matter how free I became, you weren’t ready to share the amount of freedom that you needed and I wasn’t ready to give that. I get it now that I am in your shoes while looking at commitment. It’s a scary thing. I’m sorry that it took me nearly a decade, but I love you for teaching me this.

Part Three: We were young when we fell in love, it wasn’t until we grew up that we finally chose to be together. Time and time again, you’d left us. Chose to stray from what you knew you’d wanted. Fast forward to when we finally got our chance, and I suppose I decided that I should be the one to leave before you did. I will admit to that. But if you truly looked at what our life was, could you say that it was a mistake? Of all of the promises you’d made me, the ways you’d love me when you finally chose to, the kind and loving gestures you would do upon trying to cheer me up… None of them equated to balance out the pure pain that I felt each time you’d chosen to stay at work and only show up for a few days every 4-6 weeks. Could you imagine someone such as myself alone for such a length of time, wishing for nothing but to be held, expected to somehow maintain that emotional strength knowing that you love me while knowing that you’re only going to leave again? My logical mind knew that you were returning, but my heart was merely reminded of the pain I had felt years before when you didn’t. But here you are, showing up proudly and happily for the girl that isn’t me. You had it in you all along as I knew you did. It just wasn’t me, regardless of how badly we’d both wished it had been back then.

Part Four: You told me that you made a mistake by pushing me away all too many years ago. After countless years of breaking down your front door, pulling you out of your dark days with not a single example of you ever doing the same for me. Creating this solidifying objective that we could never be together because of how strongly I had felt about not wanting children at 23 years old. Choosing girl after girl, falling time and time again, only to reach out once again asking for my love in return after I had moved far enough for it to never be plausible. Your uncanny ability to keep me at arms length whether it was intentional or subconscious ravished my mind. You loved me. I knew. But I could see behind that, and I knew that you would never be ready for such an immense amount of love and understanding in your life. Your love for toxicity will forever surpass what I could have given you. And yet, here you are; a child on the way with who I hope is your forever. I’m proud of you, I hope that this is evident of the healing that you have worked so hard for. I wish that I could have given that to you, I wish that you could have wanted to give it to me.

Part Five: Never would I have been able to guess that a person who I had known from the get-go wouldn’t be my forever person, is still the person that will forever be my person. Does that make sense? How do I explain that to my one-day-husband? Perhaps I explain that you are the male version of myself. Maybe you two become best friends. Whatever happens, just please do not tell him about all of the horrible mistakes that we had made… Or still make. We made a lot of sense together, it was easy, it still is easy talking to you. I’m not positive that I will ever have that amount of trust in another person. Ultimately, I still have yet to understand just what it was about me that caused you to retreat. I know that you’ve explained it, but I do not understand just what it was that caused you to be unable to be there. You make this girl so happy, and yet somehow you were never capable of doing the same for me. She brings the best out of you, you show up for her. Something you never did for me. Maybe it’s for a good reason, but I suppose we will find out one day.

Part Six: You took something from me the day that you poured me that scotch. A little piece of my heart floated out and at that time in my life I hadn’t expected to see such a thing. I had that baby locked far away into the depths of this earth.. A place that I thought no-one but part four would be able to find. And yet, you pulled the rest out in only a few months. I wish that I could help people understand the severity of what we had, it sounds crazy to explain. One summer. That’s all it took. To think that there is a possibility that one day we may end up in another’s life again is one to believe in. Perhaps not until we are ready, it may not even be in the coming years, it may not even be in this lifetime. And when it happens I am not even clear on what that will look like. But I know with unequivocal belief that you showed up for a reason. One that I think will last more than a lifetime.

Part Seven: I didn’t plan to fall in love with you. I knew that would be a mistake. But there was something in that heart of yours that I had been determined to find. Call it my fault for “fixing” the broken and wounded. I have a knack for those types. I knew you loved me, I also knew that you’d never be able to love me freely. So I did it anyways, and you hurt me anyways. Immensely. Our physical chemistry was one to go down in my vivid memories. The way I needed you was in a way that I could only relate to my teenage cocaine habit. It trumped the lack of communication and reciprocation of normalcy. By far. Therefore I refused to let you go, even when convinced that we don’t belong together. Why give something up when it feels so good? I hope that our time teaches you that honesty can bring forward a strong connection, and it doesn’t always have to be a lie. I hope that you learn how to communicate, and to love people regardless of what they could do to hurt you.

That’s it folks. We know there’s more coming. This heart may be shut down but it’s still beating deep down in that heavy darkness that it’s surrounded by.

Goodnight.