Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be here. Not forever, though, at times it can feel that way.
But I don’t mean that.
There is this over-impeding feeling of guilt that surfaces when I consider all of my options and feel that strenuous meld of defeat that seemingly never goes away. It’s one that could cripple the strongest person you may think of as I write this. Perhaps it’s yourself.
For me, the feeling of not wanting to be here comes from various historical points in my life, many of which I opt not to resurface in the fear of what may come to fruition as I do just that.
Does that mean that I am acting out of fear? Am I in survival-mode? Or am I merely strategizing the black & white truth of what I know to be true? What’s your reason?
One person won’t be able to answer that. We are all much too different.
What’s reason enough to question if you should remain on this earth is up to you, mine is of my own self-discovery. The likely convoluted, yet seemingly indifference between it all is just that. Your reason for feeling like you are not okay is merely up to you to decide if it’s the right reason.
Let me say that again in a another format;
“The conflicts that you face will always seem more important than the conflicts that your closest people may face. But it’s not a competition. No. Because what’s pain to you may not equate to the same pain as another.”
Just because I don’t want to exit this life today does not mean that I cannot bring that thought into my mind when I am in a state of unease. It does not define my weakness, rather my explicit ability to express these thoughts, take ownership of such and continue to work my little stubborn arse off to push past it is quite literally the definition of strength, courage & capability.
We all falter. We all hit some form of rock bottom. We drop the ball (or the pen), we make mistakes, we lose our minds. We.
We are human. We have an intrinsic need to avoid failure, defeat, hurt.
This beautiful entity of what exists, what holds a soul, a purpose, a mind… It has this inexplainable state of existence that people argue about to this day. It may not be a reason to continue for some, it may be the reason to continue for others.
For myself, I choose to believe that my reason is because of the small victories that I feel each day. The few mornings filled with coffee, sleepy grins and quality time. The way I am held when one says hello after 1 day, or 10 years. The quiet, sunlit chapters read on a cool summer morning. The feeling when my hands hit the wind out of the roof of my Jeep. The feeling when you laugh for the first time after crying for hours.
It’s those things that give me peace in knowing that I will always be okay. Even when it feels as though the world is a car without breaks heading 100MPH down the steepest hill in the Rockies. For a moment, you consider not pulling into that runaway lane. Just for a moment. But then you remember it. It’s those things that allow me to see the purpose. It’s there. Even when it’s cloudy.
I know that it just takes some time. Maybe a bit of courage.
Life will be okay.
You don’t have to believe it today. You don’t have to believe it every day once you do find the reason. It will be okay one day.
Find the purpose that inspires passion to keep going, moving & repairing.
You’ve got this… even if today you may feel differently.
Neesh Media 