Relax???

I’ve never been great with patience.

I realize that when I am angry with myself for “wasting” my day.

But how often it is when that very feeling of waste is caused by an over-impeding burnout that is waiting to suffocate my every last thought into paralysis. When that wasted day may have actually been the very thing that my body begged me for… Meanwhile I am continuing this tread of exhaustion as my lack of productivity is murdering any mere possibility of recovery.

I don’t have the patience to recover.

Social interaction, road trips, mountain adventures, new cities, restaurants, all of it is what my mind and soul scream for to release the ongoing tension of my mind. However, in my instance… these same things that typically would fulfill any regular individual are the things that drain me further – regardless of how much I crave them. Toss in the desperation to do absolutely nothing while holding zero guilt for it while consistently struggling with anxiety surrounding productivity AND you’ve met the most perfect harmony of never ending exhaustion.

This diverse imbalance will be the very thing that causes an innate distaste in my mind when I think of the word “vacation”.

You mean you want me to take time away from work? Where I see my friends and go on a trip? Where I spend money instead of save money? What will happen to work when I am gone? Won’t I just have more work to do? Who’s going to clean the house? What about the garbage? How do I continue with my routines? How about the drive? Won’t I spend most of my time in the car? Will this be worth it? Where is the relaxation that you’re referring to????

I get it. I understand the theory of it.

Do I have the patience for it? I’m sure you would agree that I do not.

The larger question that I have is: Why?

Why can I not find a way to relax? Why am I always thinking about tomorrow, the week, the next six months? Why is it that everyone else can figure this out? Why am I not able to assert myself in a way that allows for me to do what I require to relax? Why don’t I know what the hell that is??

I’m sure you already know the response: I do not have the damned patience to figure it out. But the world will continue to spin and I will continue to stretch to the ends of the earth until I find the resolution (and continue to burn myself further in the process)

Goodnight.